3 Signs That You’re a Prisoner of Your Expectations

It’s natural to have high expectations. But what happens when your expectations are overblown?

Over-hyped expectations can have a devastating impact on your life in three key areas:

1. Self-Esteem: You set the bar too high for yourself.

• “I’m going to lose 10 pounds in three days.”
• “I’m going to increase my income in the first quarter by 300 percent.”
• “I’m going to wake up at dawn every day and write a best-selling novel in a month.”

Writing a novel, losing weight, and increasing your income are great goals. But when you marry them to unrealistic expectations, you’re setting the stage for self-defeat. Consequently, your self-esteem takes a big hit as you give yourself too little credit for efforts and fault yourself for missing impractical deadlines.

2. Relationships: You frequently feel hurt and disappointed by others.

• “My romantic partner should know my needs without me asking.”
• “I want all my friends to check in with me regularly and see how I’m doing.”
• “My coworkers need to recognize how valuable I am to them.”

Turgid expectations strain relationships. Constantly putting pressure on friends, coworkers, or romantic partners to meet your demands is a real buzzkill. They start to feel bullied and burdened by you. The more emotionally demanding you are, the more people will avoid you.

3. Outlook: You develop a pretentious and arrogant outlook on life.  

• “Why does incompetence always surround me?”
• “I know I’m right no matter what anyone says.”
• “No one knows better than me.”

Bitter, critical, and harsh, you expect the world to meet your extreme expectations. Rather than faulting yourself for expecting too much, you find fault in everything. In the end, no one escapes your condemnation. (See “Traits That Breed Hopelessness.”)

How to Break the High Expectations Habit

High expectation habits cause you to focus on the future constantly. As a result, you enjoy the present moment less and have little appreciation for your past. Consider these three steps to regain some balance in your life.

1. Set ambitious and realistic expectations. It’s great to have big dreams, but don’t expect them to materialize overnight. Better to make small, steady steps daily than to push for instant gratification. As Buddhist philosopher Daisaku Ikeda suggested: “True victories are the victories we achieve each day.”

2. Foster gratitude. You may not have written your novel in a month, but you probably finished a chapter or two. Recognize and applaud your efforts, even when they fall short of your expectations. (See “Reversing Negative Thinking Through Gratitude”)

3. Be flexible. If you miss a deadline, don’t use that as an excuse to devalue yourself. Life is full of unexpected events that derail our plans. Be flexible. Take time to rest and reset your goals. Flexible expectations lower stress levels and breed greater mindfulness.