7 Challenges Kids Face That Have Nothing to Do with Parenting

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Whenever young people exhibit behavioral problems, many mental health professionals are quick to blame their parents. Of course, no one can deny the profound effect that parents have on children, but is parenting really all that influential? Is parenting truly the omnipotent determinator of a child’s future?

If parenting were truly all-powerful, children raised by the same parents would be carbon copies: same temperaments, personalities, and interests. But as we know, siblings with the same parents have vastly different personalities.

Does parenting drive positive outcomes in children?

Over the past 25 years of working with parents and children, I’ve witnessed many children who received shoddy and incompetent parenting grow up to be outstanding adults. And children who had outstanding parents fare startlingly poorly in life.

The seeming randomness of some of the outcomes is always jarring to me. I often wonder, “How on Earth did that happen? For example:

  • How did a heroin addict grow up to be a pediatric nurse and outstanding mother?
  • How did an award-winning, star student end up pursuing a life of crime?”

Why parents are so often blamed

The rush to blame parents is often driven by the delusion that parents have total control over their children’s behavior. Consequently, we turn a blind eye to the large part of child-rearing that is unpredictable. Blaming every parent for their child’s behaviors is like assuming every car accident is the driver’s fault. 

For parents to admit they don’t have control over their children’s future is unnerving. For example, when bad things happen to good people, we feel shaken. Since the randomness of life can be so frightening, many of us like to pretend that we have total command over our future. Naturally, we don’t—especially when it comes to our children’s future as well.

Nature and nurture

Nature and nurture play a dual hand in child development. To be clear:

  • Nature: the wired-in qualities that are not determined by parenting, such as temperament and personality.
  • Nurture the family culture that parents create and how it impacts their child’s way of being in relationships.

When nature overpowers nurture

Many times, nature overpowers nurture, leaving parents befuddled and shocked by their child’s behavior. These wired-in difficulties frequently fly under the radar of parenting and can be difficult to spot.

Wired-in challenges that have nothing to do with parenting

Let’s examine the profound influence of nature more closely. Keep in mind that these powerful wired-in tendencies shape behaviors despite parents’ best efforts.

1. Learning struggles. Not all children have the same learning styles. Neurodivergent children can have difficulties with focus and attention, auditory or visionary limitations, or slower processing skills. These differences can make learning painful and keep children in a constant state of tension, fatigue, or irritability, leaving bewildered parents struggling to comfort or soothe them.

2. Developmental issues. Developmental milestones, such as walking and talking, are sometimes delayed or severely impaired. For example, problems with motor skills, communication or sensory issues resulting from cerebral palsy, autism spectrum disorder, or pervasive developmental delays require specialized schooling and other interventions to assist children and parents.

3. Addiction. Family histories with drugs and alcohol abuse can reach back generations. Because addiction is unpredictable and sometimes skips a generation, it is not uncommon for parents who don’t abuse substances to have a child who does. Such parents are shocked by their children’s addictive tendencies and often blame themselves for a condition that is clearly in the family’s DNA.

4. Adoption issues. Many adopted children struggle mightily during adolescence when issues of identity and powerful biological family tendencies emerge. Many adoptive parents of easygoing or agreeable children find themselves being bullied or in constant conflict with their kids during their teen years. They witness radical, inexplicable transformations in their children and levels of defiance that completely baffle them. Sadly, they may blame themselves or feel blamed by others for their children’s demeanor.

5. Temperament. Some babies sleep through the night, while others don’t. Some children eat everything on their plate while others drive their parents crazy with pickiness. Temperament emerges very early in children and frequently feels incongruent to the parenting that they received.

I recall working with two very calm parents who had a child who “never stopped moving even in the womb.” The mother told me, “He skipped learning to walk and started running and climbing immediately.” Clearly, his temperament was wired in from the start and had little to do with the parenting he received.

6. Societal issues. Racial tensions exist in every culture. When a child experiences oppression or discrimination because of their ethnicity, it can greatly affect how they view themselves. Children who experience racism have suffered higher levels of depression and anxiety due to societal issues—not parenting.

7. Medical challenges. Every parent prays for a healthy baby. Sometimes medical issues emerge that create hardships, such as mobility limitations, diseases, or a compromised immunity system. For children facing medical conditions, life appears full of unfair restrictions. The intensity of their frustration and despair naturally affect their behavior. As a result, parents are likely to experience higher levels of tension and anxiety.

A new outlook on behavior problems

It’s time to acknowledge that parenting has its limitations and stop blaming parents for all children’s problem behaviors. To judge good parents harshly is cruel and unnecessary. A deeper, more compassionate understanding of the complexity of childhood conditions is needed to avoid making struggling parents feel even worse about themselves or their kids.