How Parents Can Avoid the Self-Neglect Trap
“Self-love, my liege, is not so vile a sin as self-neglecting.”
William Shakespeare, (Henry V, 2.4.74-75)
Self-Neglect & Parenthood
Why do so many people seem to unravel after becoming parents? Why do so many marriages self-destruct?
Of the many kinds of the parenting dilemmas I see in my office, parent burnout is among the most common. Remarkably, most parents don’t even realize they’re suffering from it. Ask these parents when was the last time they took a break from parenting and they stare at you stupefied: “You’re allowed to take a break?”
If you’re a burnt-out parent, you’re exhausted in every way; you’ve neglected your needs without mercy. Depleted emotionally, intellectually, and creatively, you stumble through your routines, doze off midday or stare at a computer or television screen in a weary hypnotic trance. Is it any wonder that you suffer low energy, mood swings, and over-the-top reactions to frustration?
If you find yourself humorless, angry, critical all the time—maybe it’s not your child or partner; maybe you are suffering from self-neglect.
The Roots of Self-Neglect
From the very beginning, parenting is rough on your body and mind. You sleep less, your eating habits deteriorate, you stop exercising or socializing (especially with “non-parent” types), your life seems to drift off course, and without proper intervention, you stumble into a pattern of self-neglect.
No matter what their age, children are gifted crisis creators. They get sick, have accidents, lose things and continually rearrange your priorities. The more time you spend running after them and putting out fires, the less time you spend with your own thoughts and feelings. Quiet self-reflection is gone from your life. Soon you find yourself living in a state of supply and demand, forever responding to your kid’s never-ending requests. Is it any wonder that when self-neglect unravels so does your mental health?
Personal Experience
I know parent burnout intimately. In the year after the birth of my first child, I unwittingly gained thirty-three pounds. With new financial demands, I was soon working more hours than ever before. To top it off, I ate poorly, slept poorly, suffered chronic back pain, and what little hair I had left on top of my head was soon gone.
The worst part was the toll it took on my marriage. My wife, who has always been my best friend, and I spent less quality time together. And when we did, one of us was usually falling asleep in mid-sentence. In the mornings, we’d bump up against each other near our coffee machine with this intimate exchange:
“Hey.”
“Hey.”
It took us years to overcome parent burnout—but it doesn’t have to take you that long.
Coming Back to Life
Taking care of yourself is an important part of being a good parent. If you don’t value yourself, don’t expect your kid to value you either. When you stop caring for your own needs, it’s impossible to be a good parent.
To get your life back, you don’t need to spend a fortune on therapy. Start your recovery by reviewing this burnout prevention checklist. Commit to the changes listed below and parent burnout will soon be a thing of your past.
1. Personal Time
As soon as possible, arrange for babysitters—relatives, neighbors, friends. Being a parent is not an identity—it’s part of who you are. It’s crucial you put aside time for yourself. This is often surprisingly difficult, especially when you’ve fallen into the habit of self-neglect. Turn your attention to new topics and activities that have nothing to do with parenting. A well-rounded parent is always better than a sacrificial parent.
2. Exercise
I say this all the time and here I go again. A cardio workout, thirty minutes three times a week or more, cuts anxiety and depression by up to 70% in most people. Walk, run, swim, bike, dance…whatever fancies you. You’ll feel better; have more energy, and less appetite. If you have trouble committing to a weekly workout, sign up for a class, get a trainer or a gym buddy. Most parents report feeling better almost immediately.
3. Creativity
Creativity is a wonderful tension outlet. It soothes angst, awakens your muse, and brings a new dynamism into your life. Look for new creative outlets or resurrect inspired activities that you enjoyed before you became a parent. Children love to see their parents be creative. It’s good modeling for your kid and good self-care for you.
4. New Experiences
Parenting doesn’t end personal growth. If you’re stagnating in the same old routine, surfing the net or watching an entire season of a cable show in just a few days, chances are you’ve stopped growing. Kids respect parents who have a sense of purpose or mission that is beyond parenting. Take a class, go to a museum, explore continuing education, attend a concert, join a writing group or book club, or take up another language. Look for activities that will stimulate you intellectually, emotionally, and creatively in new ways.
5. Socialize
Parenting can be very isolating. Spending every moment of your free time with your kids is not good for you or for them. Don’t let your friendships fade away; pick up the phone, set up a time to see each other. And for goodness sake, give the parenting-themed conversations a rest. You’ll be surprised how relieved you feel.
Revitalize Your Life for Your Child
Children want parents that they can be proud of. It strengthens and fortifies them. When you neglect yourself and burnout, you deny your kid that crucial sense of pride that he or she needs to develop a solid sense of self. To cure your burnout, you must weed out the noxious roots of self-neglect, not only for your own quality of life but for your child’s well-being, too. www.seangrover.com