How To Find Meaning in Despair
Photo by Pierre Bamin on Unsplash
Despair comes in many forms.
Sometimes it’s triggered by a specific event; other times, it arrives inexplicably, without notice or cause.
It’s impossible to find a person who hasn’t experienced despair. We all intuitively know and dread the feelings that despair brings; for some, it’s a dull pain in the chest or stomach; for others, it’s trouble breathing, dizziness, or a bitter taste in our mouths.
No matter how many times we think we’ve beaten despair, despair finds a way back in. When faced with life’s inevitable misfortunes, we naturally feel overwhelmed and hopeless. We may plead for help, cry victim, or blame circumstances. Too frequently, when faced with overwhelming despair, we close the door to our heart and slide the bolt. We may even try to build a wall around us and pretend that we’re safe from being hurt again.
But is it possible despair has a place in our lives? Can despair awaken deeper meaning?
A parable about dispair
There is a parable about a woman who lost a son. It’s unclear if she lost him to an accident or illness, but she is mad with grief. She wanders through her town, sleepless and longing for some way to bring him back.
When she hears about a sage with mystical powers, she travels to a mountain top and begs him to help her. The sage listens intently to her pain and is moved. He tells her that he can help her, but first, she must find a family untouched by death.
Infused with energy and mission, the woman returns to her village, and travels from house to house, knocking on doors and speaking to families. To her surprise, she discovers that all families have experienced loss. As she listens to their stories, she realizes that is no life that is untouched by tragedy.
Despair isn’t an enemy; it’s a part of human experience
As a group therapist, I like to believe that she began to heal when she formed intimate connections with others. I imagine her sitting at kitchen tables, listening to tragic stories, crying with other parents, joining in their grief, and letting sadness flow like a river of tears. By honoring her despair and the despair of others, she began to find comfort and peace.
How many stories she must have heard. Reports of illness or accident; stories about the death of a parent or friend, a cousin or favorite uncle. Sometimes death came suddenly, other times, it crept in slowly, draining away life-force for years.
In the end, the woman began to recognize that despair is a part of life and is beyond anyone’s control. In a surprise twist, the parable ends with the woman achieving enlightenment.
Finding meaning in dispair
By working through despair and connecting with others, despair becomes a catalyst for growth. When we embrace suffering, accept it, mourn, and grieve with others, our heart not only heals, it grows stronger.
These days, when despair knocks, I open the door and welcome it in. After many years of avoiding it, I recognize that despair is even a part of happiness and joy. It reminds me of the preciousness of the present moment and the fragility of life.
