How to Make Love Last

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Why do some couples remain madly in love, while others see love fade fast from their relationship?

If you think those couples are lucky, think again. Luck eventually runs out. Short-term love is easy; long-term love requires dedication and commitment. But the benefits are mind-blowing.

For example, loving couples in long-term relationships experience major health gains. Studies have shown that the happily married (not just married — happily married) actually live longer than single or divorced people, with lower rates of heart disease due to less stress, healthier diets, and improved cancer survival rates (for more jaw-dropping statics see The Active Times: Lifestyle & Wellness).

So before you blame fate or your partner for your loveless love life, here are a few qualities that loving couples share, regardless of the amount of time they have been together.

1. Sex

According to a 2018 report by CBS News, research conducted with 30,000 people in three different studies found that couples who have sex at least once a week scored higher on life satisfaction and happiness. In fact, sex scores higher than money in determining mutual happiness. Affection beyond the bedroom and P.D.A., such as holding hands, hugging, kissing hello and goodbye, and saying “I love you” regularly, also help couples stay present and feel valued by their partner.

2. Communication

What is the number-one reason for divorce? Poor communication. That’s right, according to the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, the number-one cause of failed marriage (67.5 percent to be exact) is a breakdown in communication. When communication fails, the relationship follows. Working together to polish your communication ultimately strengthens your identity as a couple, and reduces misunderstandings and hurt feelings.

3. Separate Passions

Depending entirely on your partner for happiness isn’t recommended or sustainable. Couples with separate passions are less likely to become enmeshed or codependent. They inspire one another, cheerlead each other, celebrate each other’s victories, and grieve each other’s losses. Separate passions also give couples a break from each other, making time together more special. Plus, your partner has a chance to miss you, which will make him or her value you more. (See “How to Break Free of Unhealthy Romantic Relationships.”)

4. Equal Rights

Sharing household responsibilities and dividing up chores may seem mundane, but without an equal balance in a household, cancerous resentments take root. When this happens, someone becomes a nag or a complainer and feels more parent than partner. This dynamic left unresolved will sour any partnership.

5. Arguing Well

Conflict is inevitable in any relationship. (See “Hate Me in a More Loving Way.”) Knowing how to argue well means not hitting below the belt, not attacking your partner’s character, and not abandoning your partner in the midst of a disagreement. Generally speaking, fear drives most arguments between couples: fear of intimacy, fear of abandonment, fear of betrayal. Putting these fears into words and sharing your insecurities will defuse arguments quickly and inspire more intimate discussions. Take responsibility for your emotional states, and no one will feel blamed or burdened. Couples who can argue well develop a deeper appreciation for their partner — and for themselves.