Key points

• There are many circumstances when hate is an appropriate and necessary response.
• The goal is not to oppress hateful feelings but to release them without harming ourselves or others.
• Hate is a source of tremendous energy that can be channeled into positive change.

The word “hate” provokes strong responses. Some parents forbid their children from using it; many religions preach against it. But what if hate isn’t the problem?

What if the expression of hate can be helpful—and, at times, healing?

Like every complex feeling, it’s not “hate” itself that’s the problem. What you do with hate determines if it’s constructive or destructive.

Samantha’s Story of Hate Denied

A few years ago, a mother called me and scheduled a therapy session for her daughter, Samantha. She reported that Samatha had fallen into a dark depression.

“She was such a happy-go-lucky child, but since my husband and I divorced, she avoids me and sulks all day in her room.”

When Samantha arrived in my office, she sat in stony silence; a dark cloud seemed to float over her head. Samantha’s mother was right—she looked miserable.

After a few attempts to engage her, I asked her if her parents’ divorce was the cause of her unhappiness. Samantha’s mouth stiffened as she jabbed the tip of her sneaker into the carpet. She nodded tensely.

“What do you hate most about it? I promise I won’t tell them.”

Samantha erupted, “I hate their fighting! I hate that they’re yelling! I hate that they expect me to take sides!”

For the next 40 minutes, hate poured out of her, an endless flow of pure, unfiltered rage. I barely said another word the entire session.

That night, I received an eye-opening phone call from Samantha’s mother:

“I don’t know what you said to her, but we had the best day in a long time. Samantha was all smiles again. We went shopping, had lunch, and went to the movies together. I can’t thank you enough.”

The Positive Aspects of Hate

Samantha had every right to feel hateful, but until she could express it constructively, the hate remained stuck inside her. It was at the core of her depression. The adage “depression is anger turned against the self” suggests that Samantha’s depression wasn’t a result of hatred—it was her inability to articulate it. (See “How Disowned Feelings Are Hurting You.”)

There are many circumstances in life when hate is an appropriate and necessary response. Civil rights leaders took action because they hated racism and discrimination. The hatred of British oppression drove the American Revolution. The hate of injustice caused nearly every positive social advancement in human society.

Since feelings suppressed or denied become psychic tension seeking release, the goal is not to deny or suppress but to embrace all feelings and convert them into fuel for positive change. In this way, hate is a source of tremendous energy.

Destructive Forms of Hate

The impulse to hate is human; it’s impossible to eliminate it. World history is full of tragic stories of people acting savagely on their hate. Perhaps the most damaging forms of hate are scapegoating and discrimination.

Unprocessed hate, bottled up, nearly always grows toxic and erupts in destructive action. Without wisdom and maturity, hatred is hurtful—not only to the person who feels hate but also to those they hate.

The goal is not to oppress hateful feelings but to release them without harming ourselves or others. Psychotherapy welcomes all expressions of emotions; in fact, a significant purpose of therapy is to release trapped feelings that may be causing us discomfort or even mental illness. (See “Where You Store Stress In Your Body.”) In this way, love and hate deserve equal attention.

Learning to Love Hate

I had a friend who battled with illness his entire life with stoic silence. Recently, I noticed a change in him. He said, “I woke up one morning and decided I hated being sick.” He took his hate and waged war against his medical problems. He changed his diet, added exercise and meditation, and took more time off from work. Acknowledging his hatred didn’t cure him, but he was more energetic and happier.

So, the next time you feel hate, don’t drain your psychic energy by denying it—move toward it. Ask yourself, “What is the root of this hateful feeling?” You may discover the fuel for the change you’ve been looking for.